One of the things that has always intrigued me about abled people* is their absolute, unwavering awkwardness when encountering PWD. I mean, I code as abled particularly in social situations, and like the literal second a random person I'd been talking to learns I'm disabled it just. Gets. Awkward. It's not like I intentionally hide the fact either. I literally wear it on my sleeve occasionally with one of fashionable tops I've acquired to support disabled artists.
Perhaps you're wondering what this has to do with the title of this post. I say this not to shame but to share this reality. If this is you-- hey, you're not alone!
I feel the need to preface this post as such because: no matter whether, when, or how you step in to assist a person with a disability, the interaction should be about what they need and not how you feel about it. I understand that there is some warm-fuzzies you get from helping people at all. But as we've talked about before, the abled narrative can make these types of interactions with disabled people much more feelings-based than others. You might say or do the wrong thing along the way. That can be annoying but don't let that keep you from helping. Remember, also, that everyone needs help at one time or another; and since disabled people are human beings just like abled people are, we sometimes need help. That's it. As you follow through the considerations below, prioritizing the actions and not the feelings around the action can help you get out of your head with the whole thing.
When it comes to helping people with disabilities you see appear to be struggling, three competing narratives are at play:
1. This Person is Working to Overcome their Disability and I Mustn't Interrupt Their Journey!
2. I am Uncomfortable Watching this Person Live their Life and Need to Intercede!
3. If I Help This Person, What If They Find it Offensive?
One
glaring problem in these competing narratives is there is only one of
three that actually involves helping someone, and it's putting your
feelings first and placing judgment on a another human being.
If you've been following these posts I hope you see that #1 is a lie. No random disabled person you encounter ever had an epiphany because you watched them from afar for 20 minutes and then maybe clapped**. Sorry to disappoint.
As for PWD finding help offensive: first, it depends, so read on. Second, if it is, you are probably the 20th person to similarly offend them and are probably the least of their concerns. We want to get on with our lives just like you.
The title of this post is a question I get a lot. If you'll indulge me, I'm going to go into two types of interactions I've had recently, that actually happened within seconds of each other. Guess which one I was more put-off by, as a disabled person:
-I'm grocery shopping alone (this is significant due to the fact that I normally shop with my spouse. More on that below). The cashier hands me my bags; they are numerous and plastic. I am usually calculating with shopping and only carry around a basket to ensure I can carry everything out. The awkwardness of the bags, however, cause me to take them in chunks and place them on the ground to pick them up in a way that works for me. This is a little difficult but honestly something I've done many times before. The cashier stares at me as I'm doing this, and asks if I need help. They then immediately rescind, having taken a second and registered that I'm disabled, saying "no, you need to do this yourself."
-A Very Nice Neighbor walks by and asks if I need help. I tell them I've got it, but thanks.
This is something that literally happened to me a few months ago, though I didn't let either actually bother me (but only because I could actually 'do this myself' and wondered what would happen if I hadn't). But the person who actively denied help was pretty off-putting, and the subsequent offer of help was heartening. To be honest this wasn't so much an exercise as some insight into the different types of ways we're used to interacting with this issue.
One important thing to remember is that disabled people do things differently than abled people, so it might not immediately make sense to you how someone is completing a task. While this can't be a definitive, yes-or-no type checklist, here are some things to think about when you see someone struggling:
1. Can You Wait a MF Second?: It might be second nature to swoop in and help everyone you perceive as struggling. Which, yes, it makes you a nice person. But how long do you actually let someone be before attempting to assist? Can you wait more than five seconds? Fifteen seconds? If you're unsure of your assessment, take a lap around the space and consider question two.***
2. Are You Prepared to Help This Person Right Now?: How much time do you have? Do you have five minutes (related to #1: no, a real five minutes?) Remember that disabled people need patience and time that large swaths of the abled population don't seem capable of providing (this is not an insult, I promise, but it's annoying and patience would be a really cool thing to cultivate). Additionally, are you in the right frame of mind, or are your feelings getting in the way?
3. Did You Ask If They Want Help?: this is basically the biggest thing. You need to ask the person if they want help, and what help they want. It is very likely that they know. One thing I recently learned about is Access Intimacy, coined by Mia Mingus. I loved hearing about this phrase because it reminds me of me and my spouse, and how he anticipates my disability-related needs in a way that feels natural (to the extent that codes me as abled a lot of times where we are together). Like Mia, I've also experienced different levels of access intimacy with other friends, relatives, and strangers. I also want to share this because it is very likely that if you encounter a person that you perceive as struggling, you do not automatically know what help they need or want. This can be one of the most frustrating parts of these interactions. Assumptions are made and things end up taking longer than the PWD just doing it themselves. Or you touch someone's mobility aid without permission, and it's literally considered to be a body part. If they say no, please leave them be. If you're working in a professional capacity (say, a library), a "no" does not indicate they will never want help, even during the same visit. If you see them struggling in a different capacity/on a different task, you can follow the steps and ask them again.
I hope this helps everyone feel a little less awkward or a little more confident when approaching a person who looks (to you) like they're struggling. Remember, you may not be able to tell right away who is disabled and who isn't. So these considerations can be used in any similar interactions.
*Not All Abled People. Just, like, 99.7%. At the most. So probably not you, no.
**Yes, this has happened to me.
***Exceptions include: someone is in imminent danger, like a fire. An attempt to use the checkout with an accessibility aid, for instance, does not place anyone in imminent danger.
Are you a person who works in or uses libraries and identify as disabled/neurodivergent? Please consider guest-posting for me! More information here.
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